A piece of my heart left with you...

Four years ago today we said hello to our first little boy, and four years ago tomorrow we said goodbye. That seems like such a long time, it seems like it should be enough time to be okay with everything, or enough time to not be reminded of him every single day, but it's not. When Zachary passed away he took a piece of my heart with him, one that I will never get back.

You never do recover from the loss of a child. Back when Zachary passed away quite a few people said that to me, and at the time the thought of recovery was something I didn't even want to think about. With time though comes understanding and while the original statement is absolutely true, I've tried to figure out what recovery means in this situation. If it means that I go back to being the person I was before Zachary, then no, I will never recover. You can't hold your child in your arms as he takes his last breath and not be a different person after. Watching your hopes and dreams drift away, and pain and sadness fill your heart. It hurts, a lot - and the pain will always be there. A piece of me is missing but I'd rather feel the pain than forget. Life goes on regardless and the pain remains, though it's not as razor sharp as before. So recovered? No. Changed? Yes.

I can't imagine where I would be if not for some of the amazing friends and family that showed us so much love when we needed it most. Equally devastated family who opened up their doors (and basements) to house us when we couldn't bear to be at home just yet, friends who dropped everything that night we called to tell them and came over to talk, family and friends who made us laugh, cried with us, and just listened. To each and every one of you, thank you.

Today will be hard, and I'm so grateful that we have Jack to put some smiles on our faces and help us face the day regardless of how prepared we may be for it. To anyone out there who is remembering our handsome little man, sending us love and support, thank you. I just ask that today you give your kids a little extra love and savour each moment you get to spend with them. Extra hugs and kisses never hurt anyone :)

To Zachary, I miss you more than words can say. Wish you were here. Love, mommy.

Much Love

Look closely and you can see the cheeky smile on Jack's face as he was talking to his big brother's teddy. I cried tears that were both happy and sad. It was a bittersweet moment.

Photo Credit: http://www.kellygemmell.com/ - thank you so much Kel :)