Matt's Log Number 5

I'm scared of kindergartners. I swear that's not even totally a lie - but maybe an exaggeration. Some of the kids I deal with through the course of any given week, in one of the seven projects I'm working on right now, are absolutely fantastic. Regardless of age, they are helpful, thoughtful, personable and relatable. I can build excellent relationships with so many of them in a brief time period. This isn't me stroking my own ego, it's the truth - I am so often able to get to know a lot about the kids I'm working with, to both our benefits. These are the ones who reinforce the fact that I am in the right profession.

Then there's the other type of kid, the one I'm more afraid of. The type that seem to think the world is their plaything, that they can do whatever to whomever just because they want to. Clearly many adults are the same way, but I don't have as much interaction with the grown-ups as I do with the young'uns. Anyway, these kids make me scared for a variety of reasons: I think, how can there be such awesome extremes between kids, why do they think this is okay, things like that. Things that as a teacher and an adult make me reason to myself, 'no, of course that's not appropriate'. But I think the biggest reason these kids scare me is because they can make me feel powerless and ineffective. Again, not blowing my own horn here, but I'm confident in my abilities as a teacher. But sometimes I feel that I've built up this great collection of behaviour management strategies, and I pull as many tricks out of the hat as I can remember with a group, and nothing seems to penetrate. Doesn't matter if I count down or single out students or reinforce positive behaviour - I just end up feeling frustrated and the kids keep doing whatever negative or disruptive behaviour they're engaged in. I hate that feeling of powerlessness, the fact that I can't reach them for whatever reason, or the fact that no matter how I try to relate to them, they want none of it.

Let's be clear, some of the highlights for me in the last year and a half have been centered around my relationships with troubled kids. I have been so lucky to be able to build relaionships with certain kids over a longer period of time, I've seen them grow and open up and drop masks and show me they're incredible kids. Having the opportunity to see things like this makes me want to teach even more. And I'm not saying that some kids are good and others are bad, I don't believe that at all. There are no bad kids as far as I'm concerned. No, my whole point here actually ties back to Jack. I know, you were all thinking this had nothing to do with the main purpose of this blog at all - fooled you. I want to raise Jack in the best possible way, and I want to have that good relationship with him like I do with students, but magnified by a million. I am so scared of being one of those parents who have nothing but the best intentions, but for whatever reason end up being misguided or unreasonable. If I had to blanket statement this whole post, the statement would be: I want Jack to be a good person. So when I deal with certain kids, I always think about if Jack will ever act like so-and-so. Sometimes it's in a good way; other times, it freaks me right the hell out.

I know there are so many other things to be concerned about, and I know that Nikki and I are both decent people. I know that we can raise kids who have decent values, strong character, all that stuff. But I'm afraid of screwing up, to put it bluntly. Can you imagine how much more straightforward this entry would have been if I'd said that last bit right at the beginning? Ha, made you read dozens of extra lines of text! And by the by, I challenge every last one of you who reads this post to let me know. I don't care what you write, even if it's just your name, or perhaps a hilarious inside joke that will only confuse everybody else but me. If everyone says something, I promise I will never bug any of you again, up to and including January
31st.